A Rainy Night Without You

Middle of June. I lost my job today. I was devastated. I also almost lost something else very dear to me----trivial to some, but to me, it is one of the last remaining links to my love--his big screen TV.  Still in my living room, still here with me. I have the jewelry he gave me, some of his stuff is still here, but the TV is a staple now in the house and with it gone, it would truly seem like he was gone, even though we dont speak anymore at all. He texted me today and asked when he could come pick it up, twice. I just told him that I couldnt deal with it right now and to give me some time. Yes, I am mad at him because he broke my heart, and even though we were not going to work out anyway (too many differences and his personality), it still doesnt mean that I dont love him.  I let him go but that doesnt mean that my feelings have faded at all. They never will.  

I have lost so much in the past 2 years and now today, my job. I couldnt lose the one thing that remains of him in the house. My heart just couldnt bear it. I know he wants it back. But I cannot let it go. I have let him go. I dont text him. I dont call him. I dont look him in the face when I see him outside. I dont do anything that maintains contact with him because I cannot take it. But I cannot let this go. Call me crazy, but it would break my heart even more. There is some comfort still with it being here and although he is never coming back in my life, at least I have one reminder left. 

The rain is falling hard tonight and it is one of those nights where we used to fall asleep in each other's arms listening to the rain pattering against the window pane.  It put us both to sleep--when we were happy, when I was his beautiful, i was his mama.  He said that I would always be beautiful to him, no matter what I did or where I went. I can never forget that. No matter what falsehoods lie between or beyond them.  They were always truth to me. And yes, we cannot be together because too much has happened and there is too much hurt there. I can never go back. But no one can take my memories away or the way that he made me feel. He was the only one that I loved this completely and as the rain falls tonight, so do my tears. be right back, have to go have a moment in the rain.

Now I dont want to be back with him. I never want him near me again. It is too painful. Too many memories. But That doesnt mean the love has diminished in any capacity. I love him now just like the first day I met him. The love will remain, intact in a sacred and hollow little place inside my heart, where nothing can tarnish it, or harm it.  There is where it is safe, and that is where he and I will stay--in perfect harmony, in love, in happiness, in peace, how we were meant to be. Even though times have changed and we have both moved on, I have to have that place where our love is sacred and pure, before we began to fall apart.

SO as the rain falls tonight, so does my tears. Crying for the man that he could have become, the man that I knew, the man who stood in front of me when my soul met his. I cannot take back that moment, no matter how hard I try, nor do I want to. It is a piece of me now, and always will be. It will always be. Never will there be another spot for another to fill the way he filled my heart, the way that our destinies crossed and we were meant to be.  

Time Helps to Heal the Pain

It has been 3 weeks now since I have been in his arms and 2 weeks since we have even spoken at all.  There is nothing but silence between us now when I see him everyday--we dont acknowledge the other at all.  I go out to the pool a lot and he is out on his balcony and sees me all the time, but he cant stay out there for more than 2 minutes--for what reason I dont know.  I miss him sometimes but I realize the monster he turned into and I am just like, "eww, what the f was I thinking?"  He is seeing a couple of women now--nothing on my level of course.  The love has definitely turned to hate--I see him now and I am disgusted.  But now I am dealing with the presence of self-hate, hating myself that I even let it continue as long as I did, that I lost some of my self-respect along the way, that I listened to his lies and his empty promises.  I should have known better, but I was dangerously in love and even though that is not an excuse, I was messed up with my heart and my mind.  But time is beginning to heal the wounds and I know I will never let someone get the best of me like that so easily again.  My confidence is slowly coming back, day after day, because he sucked the life right out of me and made me feel less than a person most of the time we were together.  I am going on, but it takes time and I wish time would hurry up because I want to be over him like yesterday.  I know that one look from him or him calling my name will send me into an emotional spin and I am waiting for that day to come, so hopefully I can get stronger every day so he wont have such an effect on me.  I still get jealous because there are these girls hanging out with him, and I know I shouldnt let it get to me, but it does.  I was replaced and no one ever wants to see someone else in the spot they were once in, especially so shortly after a breakup. 

I have to stop hating myself for being with him, for loving him.  But I do.  I keep telling myself that I was better than that, that I was such a strong woman and I never should have let a guy get the best of me like that.  But I did.  I accept it and I am trying to move forward.  Trust me, I am never going back--EVER!  Lesson learned!  He took my worth as a person away from me, partially because I let him, but mostly because of the way he devalued me and discarded me as a woman.  Like I was never anything.  But I am someone. Someone who deserves so much more and someone who doesnt deserve to be disrespected. 

I am spending more time with my friends and family and with the kids and their friends, looking for jobs to start my career and getting in shape.  Have already lost 22 lbs in the past two months. Working on myself and trying to get my life where I want it to be.  So I am a work in progress.  I just wish he didnt live so close--because if he didnt, then I would be so over this by now.  But I am determined that I am going to make this, I am not going to let it make me. 

My Love Was Real, His Was Not

We had the dream--life insurance together, looking at buying a house, spent time as a family, bought stuff for the house, i started cooking for him all the time, made plans to possibly move in together later on, I was playing wifey in every capacity--a role I have never played before.  The connection was deep. The connection was real--for me. But it wasnt for him. He believed that he had it, but he thwarted it himself with his narcissism and his self-loathing. Being all about him and his needs, there was no way this could ever have been an equal partnership. It is that dream that I have to let go because he is NOT going to change. I am beginning to accept that. But I think the stage I am in now is disappointment, because I know, with what we had, we could have made it. He was single, 32, worked, took care of himself, knew how to have fun, had plans for a better life, fell into the whole family setup just like I did. Being home and staying with the kids and making plans for the house was something that he lived for--we even talked about getting married.  But he let his own ambitions get in the way. He wanted too much for himself, it was mostly about his needs after the honeymoon period was over. I could not go to him with my problems--he didnt want to hear about them.  It was "too stressful" for him to deal with conflict.  Those are life issues--they come. Not a reason to grow apart, but closer together. Which is obviously not in his vocabulary because he is simply not capable of love or a deep committment. 

Now it is about picking up the pieces--making a life on my own, putting to rest the dream that we began. Settling the disappointment of not being able to have that life that I wanted. He is not really all of that anyway, but when you love someone, everything about them becomes beautiful and you overlook many of their faults.  He does drink too much, spends too much time watching TV when he gets off work, withdraws all the time, never talks about his money or where it goes, shies away from issues that arise in life, and becomes critical when I have emotions. Crying in front of him was never tolerated. It was frowned upon bigtime. Trusting him with my problems, going to him for support---that was a stretch for him too. So overall, it never would have worked.

Now I am making plans of my own, blogging has helped me a lot to go through the process of grieving and losing this man that I loved so dearly.I thought he was my soulmate--no man has ever made me feel that special nor wanted to be with me like that so quickly. I thought he was in love and he was --with an ideal and with himself. He now refuses to text or call--we had stayed in very close contact up until a week ago. After we broke up over a month ago, he acted like we were still together. We spent all kinds of time together and still had the plans in place to do what we were gonna do. 

Then i am texting, then nothing. He wouldnt speak to me when I saw him, wouldnt call or text back.  So we are perfect strangers now, like we never loved each other at all or spent time or made all these plans.He goes to work, comes home, has a few beers, watches TV or movies, and sits out on the balcony and smokes the night away.  He has no life, except an old friend/ex of his he sees occasionally because she gives him what he wants and what I refuse to give him anymore.  No longer do I cook for this man, nor pick him up or take him anywhere, nor offer my love or support as only I could. He looked to me to have his back, to take care of him. But what about taking care of me? I took care of myself--the support was a one-way street.  

So, I am honoring the love that I felt in this relationship and moving on. I am not ashamed of what I felt nor do I apologize for loving him. I pride myself that I got out when I did and my only regret is that I didnt know this in the beginning and have to now have a broken heart from a broken dream, but it is a life lesson learned. That is how I fell in love with a narcissist but now how I am moving on and learning to let the dream go.

The Reasons that He will Never Change

June 2, 2013

It has been a week now since he has contacted me. Except for today when he texted to see if Jaden could go fishing. But I have cut him off, cut off my narcissistic supply, which I think has pissed him off.  I am turning my heart against him because all we had is a lie.  Nothing was real, no matter if I choose to believe that or not.  He is a liar and a manipulator and any contact with him now is detrimental.  I consider him as an enemy and now we see each other and we act like we never knew each other at all.  It goes against everything in my nature to not care. But I have to not care. Because he is incapable of not feeling anything along the lines of empathy or compassion.  If my feelings are hurt, that is what he wants--a constant source of narcissistic supply, which I refuse to give him.

I love him. I always will. My feelings were real. My love was real. But he was an illusion. He never had any intention of really loving me. He is incapable of loving anyone except himself.  Truth be told, he is an uncaring and unforgiving bastard.I have to realize that I didnt cause this nor did I see it coming.  But it is up to me what I do about it and I am done. He will not get anymore from me. I am used up. Let him go elsewhere or let him be alone.  I dont care anymore.  He is an unhappy person anyway.  My life will no longer be used as his personal maid service, or his doormat any longer.  He doesnt know this yet. But he will figure it out in time.  I have that on my side, that he still thinks I am here, pining away for him, waiting for him to return to his bs, to his manipulations, to his games. But little does he know that the tables have turned. I have reached the point of no return, and I am respecting the no contact rule and not texting him or calling him at all.  No matter what I try to do, I will never convince him that I am right, that he is the one who broke the relationship apart, nor that he is a complete narcissist.  I will never get an apology nor an explanation for what he has done, nor closure of any kind. I have to provide that for myself and I am on my way to becoming like that.

I feel like if I provoke him now , that he will get aggressive and perhaps violent.  i dont want that so i will leave him alone.  I see him now for what he is, and I dont even want to know him anymore. I wish that I could love him and change him, but I am fighting a losing battle.

I feel broken and empty, like every second is hard to breathe, like the pain will never end. I fell in love with a narcissist and thank God, had enough sense to leave. But it is not easy by any means. He lives right upstairs and I see him everyday, although we have no contact anymore. His stuff is still here and I cannot give it back. He has his big screen TV here still and I am keeping that, as a small compensation for all the hell he put me through. It seems like I will never escape the presence of him, although in some moments it feels ok again.

I never saw it coming.  This charming, seductive man who wined and dined me, even gave me a pendant with two open hearts and told me that if two hearts were open, love would find its way. But I didnt know he was a narcissist. Nor did I know what I was about to endure being his lady. We spent every moment together in the beginning.  He spoiled me constantly, an endless supply of gifts and champagne. So loving and attentive, so who wouldnt fall for that?  Then, after two months, some serious issues arose with us, with me. Life's problems began to disturb that honeymoon period, things werent as blissful as they had been. He began to withdraw, spending more time away from me and confusing the hell out of me. I missed him, when we had spent every day for the past two months together. so I would question him about it, sometimes yell at him because I didnt understand why he had changed. This made him withdraw even more, which caused me more hurt.

So now he is gone. He broke off contact with me altogether. No texts, no calls, turns away from me when we are close. Now it is adjusting to life without him, realizing that everything we had was a lie. And in no way can I reclaim it. There is no turning back and I have been good about not reacting to him since we stopped contact. I act indifferent, like he doesnt exist. And this is exactly what I am supposed to do. Appear calm, rational, and not feed his ego by acting depressed and sad or angry and upset.  This is exactly what he WANTS me to do. And he doesnt know that my heart has turned cold toward him. He doesnt know that I have reached the point of no return. Every day is a struggle to get some semblance of a life back and I am slowly gaining ground every day. I know that one day I wont even care but i still do. It is hard to act like you dont care when you really do. it goes against everything that I stand for. If you love someone, you are supposed to care. But knowing who he is and that he doesnt care, means that I have to adjust and change and get to the point of real indifference when I dont let him affect me at all.

I am embracing the pain and the loneliness and trying to make it through everyday, trying to get stronger.  Thanks for listening!