We had the dream--life insurance together, looking at buying a house, spent time as a family, bought stuff for the house, i started cooking for him all the time, made plans to possibly move in together later on, I was playing wifey in every capacity--a role I have never played before. The connection was deep. The connection was real--for me. But it wasnt for him. He believed that he had it, but he thwarted it himself with his narcissism and his self-loathing. Being all about him and his needs, there was no way this could ever have been an equal partnership. It is that dream that I have to let go because he is NOT going to change. I am beginning to accept that. But I think the stage I am in now is disappointment, because I know, with what we had, we could have made it. He was single, 32, worked, took care of himself, knew how to have fun, had plans for a better life, fell into the whole family setup just like I did. Being home and staying with the kids and making plans for the house was something that he lived for--we even talked about getting married. But he let his own ambitions get in the way. He wanted too much for himself, it was mostly about his needs after the honeymoon period was over. I could not go to him with my problems--he didnt want to hear about them. It was "too stressful" for him to deal with conflict. Those are life issues--they come. Not a reason to grow apart, but closer together. Which is obviously not in his vocabulary because he is simply not capable of love or a deep committment.
Now it is about picking up the pieces--making a life on my own, putting to rest the dream that we began. Settling the disappointment of not being able to have that life that I wanted. He is not really all of that anyway, but when you love someone, everything about them becomes beautiful and you overlook many of their faults. He does drink too much, spends too much time watching TV when he gets off work, withdraws all the time, never talks about his money or where it goes, shies away from issues that arise in life, and becomes critical when I have emotions. Crying in front of him was never tolerated. It was frowned upon bigtime. Trusting him with my problems, going to him for support---that was a stretch for him too. So overall, it never would have worked.
Now I am making plans of my own, blogging has helped me a lot to go through the process of grieving and losing this man that I loved so dearly.I thought he was my soulmate--no man has ever made me feel that special nor wanted to be with me like that so quickly. I thought he was in love and he was --with an ideal and with himself. He now refuses to text or call--we had stayed in very close contact up until a week ago. After we broke up over a month ago, he acted like we were still together. We spent all kinds of time together and still had the plans in place to do what we were gonna do.
Then i am texting, then nothing. He wouldnt speak to me when I saw him, wouldnt call or text back. So we are perfect strangers now, like we never loved each other at all or spent time or made all these plans.He goes to work, comes home, has a few beers, watches TV or movies, and sits out on the balcony and smokes the night away. He has no life, except an old friend/ex of his he sees occasionally because she gives him what he wants and what I refuse to give him anymore. No longer do I cook for this man, nor pick him up or take him anywhere, nor offer my love or support as only I could. He looked to me to have his back, to take care of him. But what about taking care of me? I took care of myself--the support was a one-way street.
So, I am honoring the love that I felt in this relationship and moving on. I am not ashamed of what I felt nor do I apologize for loving him. I pride myself that I got out when I did and my only regret is that I didnt know this in the beginning and have to now have a broken heart from a broken dream, but it is a life lesson learned. That is how I fell in love with a narcissist but now how I am moving on and learning to let the dream go.
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