It has been 3 weeks now since I have been in his arms and 2 weeks since we have even spoken at all. There is nothing but silence between us now when I see him everyday--we dont acknowledge the other at all. I go out to the pool a lot and he is out on his balcony and sees me all the time, but he cant stay out there for more than 2 minutes--for what reason I dont know. I miss him sometimes but I realize the monster he turned into and I am just like, "eww, what the f was I thinking?" He is seeing a couple of women now--nothing on my level of course. The love has definitely turned to hate--I see him now and I am disgusted. But now I am dealing with the presence of self-hate, hating myself that I even let it continue as long as I did, that I lost some of my self-respect along the way, that I listened to his lies and his empty promises. I should have known better, but I was dangerously in love and even though that is not an excuse, I was messed up with my heart and my mind. But time is beginning to heal the wounds and I know I will never let someone get the best of me like that so easily again. My confidence is slowly coming back, day after day, because he sucked the life right out of me and made me feel less than a person most of the time we were together. I am going on, but it takes time and I wish time would hurry up because I want to be over him like yesterday. I know that one look from him or him calling my name will send me into an emotional spin and I am waiting for that day to come, so hopefully I can get stronger every day so he wont have such an effect on me. I still get jealous because there are these girls hanging out with him, and I know I shouldnt let it get to me, but it does. I was replaced and no one ever wants to see someone else in the spot they were once in, especially so shortly after a breakup.
I have to stop hating myself for being with him, for loving him. But I do. I keep telling myself that I was better than that, that I was such a strong woman and I never should have let a guy get the best of me like that. But I did. I accept it and I am trying to move forward. Trust me, I am never going back--EVER! Lesson learned! He took my worth as a person away from me, partially because I let him, but mostly because of the way he devalued me and discarded me as a woman. Like I was never anything. But I am someone. Someone who deserves so much more and someone who doesnt deserve to be disrespected.
I am spending more time with my friends and family and with the kids and their friends, looking for jobs to start my career and getting in shape. Have already lost 22 lbs in the past two months. Working on myself and trying to get my life where I want it to be. So I am a work in progress. I just wish he didnt live so close--because if he didnt, then I would be so over this by now. But I am determined that I am going to make this, I am not going to let it make me.
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