Middle of June. I lost my job today. I was devastated. I also almost lost something else very dear to me----trivial to some, but to me, it is one of the last remaining links to my love--his big screen TV. Still in my living room, still here with me. I have the jewelry he gave me, some of his stuff is still here, but the TV is a staple now in the house and with it gone, it would truly seem like he was gone, even though we dont speak anymore at all. He texted me today and asked when he could come pick it up, twice. I just told him that I couldnt deal with it right now and to give me some time. Yes, I am mad at him because he broke my heart, and even though we were not going to work out anyway (too many differences and his personality), it still doesnt mean that I dont love him. I let him go but that doesnt mean that my feelings have faded at all. They never will.
I have lost so much in the past 2 years and now today, my job. I couldnt lose the one thing that remains of him in the house. My heart just couldnt bear it. I know he wants it back. But I cannot let it go. I have let him go. I dont text him. I dont call him. I dont look him in the face when I see him outside. I dont do anything that maintains contact with him because I cannot take it. But I cannot let this go. Call me crazy, but it would break my heart even more. There is some comfort still with it being here and although he is never coming back in my life, at least I have one reminder left.
The rain is falling hard tonight and it is one of those nights where we used to fall asleep in each other's arms listening to the rain pattering against the window pane. It put us both to sleep--when we were happy, when I was his beautiful, i was his mama. He said that I would always be beautiful to him, no matter what I did or where I went. I can never forget that. No matter what falsehoods lie between or beyond them. They were always truth to me. And yes, we cannot be together because too much has happened and there is too much hurt there. I can never go back. But no one can take my memories away or the way that he made me feel. He was the only one that I loved this completely and as the rain falls tonight, so do my tears. be right back, have to go have a moment in the rain.
Now I dont want to be back with him. I never want him near me again. It is too painful. Too many memories. But That doesnt mean the love has diminished in any capacity. I love him now just like the first day I met him. The love will remain, intact in a sacred and hollow little place inside my heart, where nothing can tarnish it, or harm it. There is where it is safe, and that is where he and I will stay--in perfect harmony, in love, in happiness, in peace, how we were meant to be. Even though times have changed and we have both moved on, I have to have that place where our love is sacred and pure, before we began to fall apart.
SO as the rain falls tonight, so does my tears. Crying for the man that he could have become, the man that I knew, the man who stood in front of me when my soul met his. I cannot take back that moment, no matter how hard I try, nor do I want to. It is a piece of me now, and always will be. It will always be. Never will there be another spot for another to fill the way he filled my heart, the way that our destinies crossed and we were meant to be.
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